[an excerpt from The Daily Planet]

“Why The World Needs The P! Company”

by Lois Lane

Metropolis. For months the world has stared into the sky, waiting, hoping and praying for their return. We’ve spent our days asking where they went, debating why they left and wondered are they even alive. Perhaps they left us for another world, a world in peril, a world in greater need of two comedy saviors. Is it selfish to desire them for ourselves? Are we expected to share the comedy stylings that we’ve come to love or did we do something wrong?

Did we take The P! Company for granted? Perhaps we did. Maybe we all did, it’s not our fault. From the first day The P! Company mysteriously appeared in Austin TX some 4 years ago, we were enamored. They seemed too good to be true. A comedy duo who could make videos, utilize self-deprecating humor, bend audiences with their nerd sensibilities. A group that never sold out. A group who could do anything they wanted to, yet chose to be here in Austin, Texas performing at the Coldtowne Theater. And we chose to believe. we put our faith, not in the hands of God, but in the hands of another, our comedy supermen. We didn’t question their intentions and other than a few basic facts we didn’t question their unbelievable origins- being two AV Club rejects from a suburban Texas town with a dream for something more. The two are still wrapped in mystery to us. When were they born? What kind of comics do they read? Where do they buy their video games? It doesn’t matter. They were good, and good for us and that was enough.

A new generation of children have grown up idolizing these proverbial man-childs, proud to drape themselves in a banner of nerd culture and run around the family home. We welcomed The P! Company into our homes and family. Then they abandoned us. We must ask ourselves if The P! Company returned would we welcome them back? Could they heal the scars left behind from not performing for the masses, for not updating their website regularly, for not giving us, the world, that sweet sweet sketch comedy? Theirs was a gift, and its absence has left us broken. The world is in pain, its citizens angry and hurt. So I ask, does the world really need the P! Company, and I must answer- absolutely, yes.

The P! Company has RETURNED.

Back in 2003, a beautiful song was created as a celebration of a comedy short/sketch called Danny & the Alien which was only half shot before inevitably being thrown into the P! Company’s Archives (or our big box of unlabeled tapes). The other day I found that box baking at my parents’ house in the upstairs of our garage apartment. I salvaged a handful of the tapes which now were mysteriously labeled. Now that I think about it, I believe Andy offered to pay Kirk the price of (1) Whataburger Combo meal to go through, label, and catalog each of the tapes from our 10 or so year existence. Kirk agreed to do this- as is his nature. He’s always helpful- and willing to earn a delicious snack. However, to this day, we still have not paid him his combo meal.

[Click on the Alien]

Anyway, so I found the tape of Danny & the Alien- partially recorded over and lacking some quality due to the climate conditions that the tapes were stored in. I did find the complete song recorded by Drew, Andy, and John. I then used the highest audio editing software I own (GarageBand) and tried to pull out a presentable version of the hit theme song that never was. Here it is in it’s glorious stereo quality. Maybe the fans will hear this and beckon for the release of the sketch that may never be…

Mr. MacDougal has lined up a whole series of wonderful titles for the viewers and patrons of our little sketch comedy website. Well, I wish I could say it was sketch comedy, but sadly it is the second in a series of infomercials continuing from last week.

“Searchlight Beacon LLC- Seminars for Life”TM provides a great opportunity to think, evaluate, challenge, and succeed in the issues of your life. They say if you take a moment to break down the problem, the solution will present itself clearly. Let’s take my recent loss of standing in the P! Company for example. First, I think about it- I hate the idea of loosing my shares, my rights, and my say in the company. Second, I evaluate- Umm, MacDougal is a jackass, an untalented idiot who couldn’t write sketch comedy if he erased someone else’s name off the script. I’m much funnier. Maybe if I were to apply myself really hard, I could re-assert myself into the company- you know, pick up the pieces after MacDougal screws it all up. Third, I think I challenge and/or succeed. Well, that seems simple enough. I’ll just do that.

I’ve got to tell you this process really does work. I feel better already. I’m thankful that it was mandatory for all personnel to take the course. Whether it is or isn’t brain-washing, “Searchlight Beacon LLC- Seminars for Life”TM can help you take life by the horns. I tell you what, take the course and we will talk about it. I’ll bring the fruit punch if you bring the matching jumpsuits and tennis shoes. It promises to be an evening not to soon be forgotten.

-Kyle

It’s been a dark couple of days here at The P! Company HQ — to say the least. When Kyle and I were hired, we made several big promises. Perhaps the loftiest of all was my claim that, starting on September 4, The P! Company could make 100 friends on MySpace. The deadline was September 30. We topped out at a paltry 57. I try not to go by the newsstands lately; The BusinessWeek cover story is less than flattering, and as for our spread in US Weekly, well, let’s not go there.

The stock market had its Black Tuesday in 1929. I suppose this is ours. The Board and its Chairman, Mr. Shanghai, removed us from day-to-day operations in a secret vote held last Wednesday. Furthermore, Mr. Shanghai purchased 51% of our stock holdings, essentially neutralizing our controlling interests in the company. Travis Kinney MacDougal, formerly CFO of sketch comedy rival F-Stop Video Productions, Inc., was brought in as The P! Company’s new President and CEO.

Mr. MacDougal has ordered us to post the following statement:

“It is regrettable that J.K. Sweeney and Andrew Petruzzo were dismissed from their leadership positions here at the P! Company. They just simply made promises that were not kept. At F-Stop Video Productions, when I said something was going to get done, it got done. I think that’s why the Board brought me in. I’ve got some bold new visions for this company. Have you heard of YouTube? Well, we’ve got some hilarious new skateboard videos coming down the pipeline. We’ve even got a little girl that goes absolutely nuts when she gets a Sega Saturn for Christmas – It’s hilarious! Andy and Kyle will remain in Vancouver and will be allowed periodic access to our production equipment. Pending embezzlement proceedings, I will consider what to do with their new videos. Thank you and GodSpeed.”

So here we are. Instead of a typical sketch this week, new P! Company policy dictates that infomercials, not sketches, will be the primary source of “entertainment” at this website. Apparently, the company is in the red and desperately needs cash.

There is a silver lining in all of this, however. Searchlight Beacon, LLC, the company famous for its life-changing seminars, will be the first to air its infomercials on this site. And it is with a glad heart that I say that this Corporation is the real deal. At first, Kyle and I were skeptical, even irate. But word came down from on High that everyone in the P! Company was to take one of Searchlight Beacon’s seminars to improve productivity. We dragged our feet and flew to the nearest Seminar, which was in Seattle. What at first seemed like bizarre, cult-like groupthink — gradually became amazing. I know I learned a lot about myself that weekend, and I think Kyle did to. I think it was really the best thing for us following the recent corporate politics at our Company. I look at life now and feel rejuvenated. Hell, I even lost 46 pounds!

So, although I strongly disagree with The P! Company’s new direction, I support Searchlight Beacon, LLC in anything it does. We’ll talk to you soon.

-Andy